Monday, March 12, 2012

Look at that ass

About a year ago or so, I was sitting in my friend Keith's kitchen. We were discussing the idea of staring at girls. At the end of it all he realized that he tries not to stare at girls because they are constantly be stared at. He concluded that they must find this type of behavior annoying, discomforting, and in some cases, frightening. I couldn't argue with this.

Last week at the local gym his words came to my mind as I witnessed a most amazing display of the male element of Level Fitness going haywire. At first I didn't even know what was happening. There were about 8 guys near me. Many of them were having conversations, but it certainly appeared that they were not fully engaged or involved in what the other person was saying. In fact, most of the time- there weren't even looking at them! What was it they were looking at? And why was every other guy in the vicinity looking over by this one treadmill?

I stood up to get a better look, and of course there was some hot young chick with a great body running. Now I was looking! I won't lie about hesitating to return to doing curls, but I did get back to them in a timely fashion. I lifted and watched in total amazement as these guys just continually stared over at the gym's new star member.

Then they all looked at once! Quickly, and if my observation was accurate- with concern! Jesus- she was walking! Don't miss that. Please, don't miss that.

I'm not putting these guys down, for I have a dick- I am one of them. I'm not questioning the instinctual force that causes a human to desire the genitalia of another. I merely wanted to relay the powerful force of a female in a public setting and the undeniable grip it can command over a middle aged gym goer. Truly amazing! Maybe she'll be there tomorrow...

Thursday, February 23, 2012

We want to watch somebody die

We all have a desire to watch somebody die. We want to see a real live human being get stabbed, shot, maimed, strangled, stoned, crushed, suffocated, or beaten to death. Every last one of us.

The art world likes to toy with this idea quite often. In the movie "Gamer", death row inmates are granted an opportunity to be set free: by volunteering to be part of torturous gun battle game show that virtually nobody makes it out of. In Steven King's....excuse me Richard Bachman's- The Long Walk, kids volunteer to go on a long walk. They literally walk until they die of exhaustion. Or, more often, they tire to the point that they can no longer walk above the designated minimum speed and are shot dead by a government official wielding a shotgun.

Art world aside though, you can see it in every day life. In my Brooklyn apartment, I rushed to the window to see what I thought was a car accident. Sure enough, I wasn't the only one. About 25-30 people began to crowd around to watch what eventually became a full-on fist fight. Why were they so interested in a watching a confrontation? Because if they really got lucky- they might have watched someone get beat up, or better yet- killed.

I fully acknowledge the fact that people also just want to see some human drama. No doubt about it. But at the end of the day, I'm relatively sure they want to see somebody die.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Wanted: Murder victim

Are you in a financial bind? Is life throwing you a sack of problems? Wife or girlfriend left you?

Fret not- for I can ease all of your troubles. I'm humbly offering my services as an aspiring professional killer. You've heard of people who 'got in early' on a trend or money making scheme. Well, this is your opportunity to do just that. Granted, the activity is somewhat different from that of a pyramid scheme or dot com craze, but let's be honest- isn't it about time that you lost your life?

Most graciously, I am extending an offer to you that could change your life in a most dramatic fashion. I'll kill you! It doesn't have to be painful, but if that's what you're into, I'm certainly on board. It would be more fun to stab, bludgeon, or choke a person to death than it would be to simply sit down with you for a couple of poison drinks....... well... I guess only yours would be poison. But anyhow.....

If you're in doubt, just think of what it really is that you've got to look forward to anyhow. See! Nothing worthwhile! If you've read this and are ready to die but don't have the guts to do it yourself, it would be my distinct pleasure to carry out the act for you. Let me kill you!

Monday, February 13, 2012

I'm going to Romania and Hungary

On April 20th I'm going to be 27 years of age. A few short days after that, I'm hopping on a plane and traveling to eastern Europe for an experience, and most likely- an adventure in solitude.

Last November I set out to Turkey on what was to be the first of my international travels as an adult. I went to Israel when I was 12, but it wasn't much of a trip. I got food poisoning at a Chinese restaurant and spent the rest of the time in Hadassah Hospital where strangely, I met Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Some people don't believe me about that last part, but I swear it's true.

Turkey was amazing. I spent about half the time in Istanbul and the rest of it in Cappadocia, Pamukkale, and weird buses. My absolute favorite thing to do in Istanbul was take the tram line to all of the furthest stops in order to get off and walk all the way back to my hotel. Forget about the tourist trip. I want to check out the neighborhoods.

I would recommend Turkey to most anyone who's looking for a magical adventure in a foreign land. I'm the asshole who refuses to take any pictures "I want to experience it with my eyes- not through a lens" so I don't have any pictures to share. But if you ask me nicely, I might get you a souvenir when I go to Bucharest, Transylvania, and Budapest. But you can't come with me. And you probably wouldn't want to.

P.S.- the trip was financed by selling my small collection of killer vinyl records. Farewell to all of the following:

Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Siamese Dream, and Gish

Tool: Opiate, Undertow, and a limited pressing of Lateralus

Air: Talkie Walkie

Type O Negative: Dead again Limited box set

Stone Temple Pilots: Core (Korean pressing), Purple, Vaseline, and Sex Type Thing

Jane's Addiction: Ritual De Lo Habitual and Nothing's Shocking

Porno For Pyros: Self Titled

To many Birthday Party 45's and 12"'s to count.

I don't care though. I'd trade half my CD collection for a magical journey.